“My Wife Treats Me Like I Am a Co-Manager”
“My Wife Treats Me Like I Am a Co-Manager”
With two careers, young kids, countless activities and a dog, it took the executive functioning of a Fortune 500 to make the family unit work. They ran a tight ship. Calendars were synced, tasks were divided, responsibilities were covered. Nothing fell through the cracks. From the outside, their marriage looked efficient, stable, and functional.
But somewhere along the way, it stopped feeling like a marriage and started feeling like an organizational operation.
Conversations revolved around logistics instead of longing. Decisions were made quickly but without warmth. Problems were solved, but hearts were rarely explored. He wasn’t being disrespected or ignored; he was being managed. And if he was honest, he had learned to manage right back. It was "necessary," and "just for a season" they both convinced themselves.
When a wife begins to treat her husband like a co-manager, it is often not because she wants control, but because the demands of the day outweigh the desires of her heart. She did not get married and become a mother to pour out her heart and soul to coordinating carpools and conquering calendars... but if that is what is required of her (and him) to "be a great mom," than she is committed to the task.
In many modern marriages—especially dual-income households—the pressure to keep everything running can quietly crowd out emotional connection. The marriage becomes highly functional and deeply unfelt.
Research consistently confirms this drift. Marriage researcher John Gottman has warned that marriages can become “over-functional,” where couples are excellent at problem-solving but poor at emotional bonding. In these relationships, couples talk often, but rarely about the things that nourish intimacy. Tasks dominate, while tenderness disappears. Similarly, a 2020 study on dual-career marriages found that when communication is primarily task-oriented, couples report lower emotional satisfaction and a weaker sense of romantic connection over time.
Sue Johnson, a leading voice in emotionally focused therapy, puts it this way:
“Efficiency can never replace emotional responsiveness. Love thrives on connection, not coordination.”
Scripture paints a richer vision of marriage than shared management. From the beginning, marriage was designed to be a covenant of companionship, delight, and shared life—not merely shared responsibility. Ecclesiastes exhorts husbands to “enjoy life with the wife whom you love,” a call that goes far beyond keeping the household running smoothly. Proverbs speaks of rejoicing in one’s wife, not simply partnering with her to get things done.
This is where many men need a reframing. Leadership in marriage is not about delegation alone; it is about direction with warmth. It is about creating emotional safety, spiritual momentum, and relational depth. A husband can be highly competent and still absent in the places that matter most. When a wife steps into the role of co-manager, it is often because she does not feel pursued, protected, or shepherded at the heart level.
Being a co-manager is safer than being a lover. It requires less vulnerability and carries less risk. But safety is not the same as intimacy. Intimacy requires presence, curiosity, and intentional pursuit—things that cannot be scheduled or optimized.
Scripture calls husbands to a different kind of leadership. In Ephesians Paul points husbands to a love marked by initiative, sacrifice, and deep personal care. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her..." Ephesians 5:25. This is relational, not operational.
No wife dreams of being managed... or of being a manager. If your marriage has begun to feel like two-headed organization, and not a "one flesh" relationship, consider implementing the following intimacy practices and observe how things begin to change relationally-
Intimacy Practices (Note- This may seem awkward or foreign, but push through the awkwardness to get to awesomeness)
- Undercover Prayer- Either in the morning or in the evening, hold your wife in your arms and pray for her, the anxieties and dreams, the hopes and fears, and the burdens and blessings.
- Lap Time- Invite your wife to sit on your lap and simply hold her and ask her how she is feeling. This is not a time to get frisky, but to be close.
- Stroll and Hold Hands- Go for a walk and hold hands. Talk about dreams, hopes, and what each of you are feeling. No agenda, just connection.
- Touch Her Face- A coworker doesn't cup his hand gently over the face of his fellow coworker. That is something only a lover would do... be that lover.
A healthy marriage does require teamwork, but it must never be reduced to teamwork alone. When a husband leads with only efficiency, his wife may step in to fill the relational gap with structure and control. When a husband leads with presence and intentionality, management naturally takes its proper place as a servant, not the center.
The honest questions for a man in this situation are not accusatory, but reflective.
- "Have I replaced pursuit with productivity?"
- "Have I confused providing with leading?"
- "Have I settled for smooth operations instead of cultivating joy, laughter, and connection?"
IMPACT Players exists to help men recover a fuller vision of leadership—one that is strong without being sterile, organized without being cold, and decisive without being distant. Men are called to more than running a household well. They are called to lead marriages that are alive, warm, and deeply connected.
A marriage does not need two co-managers. It needs a husband who leads with clarity, courage, and heart.
Join the Movement
If you’re ready to be part of what God is doing in the lives of men, we invite you to take the next step.
Visit impactplayers.org to:
- Find or start an IMPACT Cohort in your community
- Host a Men’s Breakfast and start an IMPACT Chapter
- Partner with us to reach and raise up men across America
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My Wife Treats Me Like I Am The Scum Of The Earth